Sometimes we’re so focused on looking for signs we’re falling in love that we fail to see the huge, red flags glowing in the dark. We fail to see that he is a manipulative jerk whose greatest enjoyment was torturing you and turning your life upside down. It’s frustrating to face the fact that all you’ve ever wanted was someone to love and someone who loves you back. When dating a player you will have to deal with a manipulative, immature, toxic person who feeds himself by causing pain and suffering. In the end, you’re throwing a lot of love into something that just won’t go anywhere — because he doesn’t want it to. When it’s all over, you’ll be left with a broken heart and not much closure. If you’re dating a player, it’s better to find out early and call things off before you get in too deep. Here are some of the important things to watch out for.
Signs You’re Dating A Player
1. His Moves Are Generic And Feel Performed – He does and says a lot of the right things, but there’s still something a little stiff about them. That’s because his moves don’t really come from the heart. They’re probably things he’s seen in movies or picked up online. Sadly, they’re also probably the same moves he’s used – and is still using – on other women. Because he’s being performative, he doesn’t have a problem going over the top. He’ll drop lines like No one’s ever made me feel like this before long before you’re feeling anything close to that. He might say something like, You really get me even though you feel like you barely know him. If the timing feels off it’s because these are tactics, not sincere feelings. They’re things he is saying because he hopes it will rope you in or turn you on.
2. His Words And Actions Don’t Add Up – He talks as if he wants to be in this for the long run. He heaps on the lovey dovey words and pays a lot of lip service to being ready for more and wanting to settle down. But he doesn’t act like a guy who’s willing to settle down. No matter how many text messages he sends you, he’ll still act like a friends-with-benefits kinda guy. He’ll be hard to pin down. He’ll have no problem leaving you for days once in a while. When you try to move the relationship forward, it’s like he takes a step back. When dating a player you will often find their words and actions don’t quite add up.
3. He Doesn’t Do Labels – He might say something like, Let’s just enjoy each other. I don’t see why we need to put a label on it. He’ll make it sound like it’s just a matter of principle, but it’s really just his way of being opportunistic. Because a label means accountability. If he’s your boyfriend or you’re in a committed relationship, then you can voice your concerns, you can expect him to be there for you or reassure you, and you can call him out for his crappy behavior. But if you two aren’t really official, there isn’t much you can say. You can’t really hold him accountable because he never actually agreed to anything. Every player will eventually realize this kind of thing actually works. As long as he acts like he’s in relationship mode (at least sometimes), most women will give him the perks that come from being committed. Because he won’t label what you have, he’ll probably do a lot of flip-flopping. Sometimes, he’ll act like you two are in a serious relationship. Other times, he’ll act like you’re barely friends. It will seem really inconsistent at first, until you clue into the fact that he really wants all the benefits of being with you without having to put anything in on his end.
4. He Tries To Sabotage The Relationship – Rubbing his other conquests or prospects in your face is just one of the ways he’ll be sabotaging the relationship. He’ll also break promises, stand you up after a few dates and stop giving you much aftercare when you’ve been intimate. Because players don’t really end relationships. They blow them up. The best outcome for him is that you decide you’ve had enough. You start a tense conversation which turns into a fight. You decide that you’re through with him and kick him out of your life. Now, he can be free to move on and focus his efforts on other women without needing to have an honest and vulnerable conversation with you. He doesn’t want to be the guy who’s heading into his 40s and is still scared of commitment. He doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s still spinning his wheels well into adulthood instead of getting some stability in his life. So, he sabotages the relationship. This way he can tell himself that he tried – it’s you who couldn’t handle it.
5. He’s Evasive And Dishonest – It can be difficult to get straight answers out of a player. Being straightforward and honest doesn’t really suit their purposes. If you ask him if he’s still seeing other women, you’ll get a cryptic response like Not that many or I’m here with you right now, so you know you’re special. What he won’t give you is a simple Yes. If you ask him what he’s been up to lately, you might get vague answers like I’ve just been keeping busy. If you ask him for more details, he will probably change the subject or say something really inconsequential, like sum up his last few days by telling you about a new restaurant he tried (and he’ll conveniently include that he went alone). Lying will hurt any type of relationship you have, and it’s one thing players do a lot of.
6. Everything Is On His Terms – Being a player isn’t easy. They’ve got to juggle multiple women – some they’ve already hooked up with, some they were dating and others they are still trying to hookup with. It takes a lot of mental energy to manage them all and coordinate everything. So most of the time they don’t. Instead, a player tends to be spontaneous. They want to go with the flow instead of micromanaging everything on their Google Calendar. What that means for you is that he’s hard to pin down. He’ll wait for you to suggest a date and set it up instead of putting in the effort himself. He’ll want you to come to him instead of going over to see you. If he seems like he’s always keeping his options open, it’s because he thinks of you that way – as one of his many options.
7. He Stops Putting In Effort – Players tend to put a lot of effort into seducing women. But once they get what the want, they’ll stop trying so hard. It will almost feel like you’re being lovebombed. All of the wooing, sweet talk and attention you’re getting from him will quickly evaporate the minute he has what he wants. Why would he bother putting in the effort? If you’re not going to sleep with him, he’ll try his luck with one of the other women he’s been seeing. There should always be seduction in a romantic relationship – even after you’re married, and definitely while you’re still dating. If he stops flirting and making an effort to turn you on, something’s wrong.
8. He’s Secretive About You – You relationship will feel like it’s in a bubble. You won’t get to know his family. You won’t meet his friends. You won’t see much of his life. It’s like he’s keeping you a secret from everyone else. He knows he’s not that serious about you so why would he bother bringing you into his life? Plus, one of his buddies might slip up and accidentally tell you about one of the other girls he’s seeing, and he can’t have that.
You Deserve Better
In the end, all of this behavior comes down to one thing: he’s not in it for the long run. If you are, it’s a good idea to sit down and take a close look at the relationship. Try to get some clear answers from him and then get back out on the dating scene if he doesn’t shape up. If you’re willing to put in the effort to make a relationship work, if you’re willing to open your heart up to someone, and if you’re willing to listen and be there for them, you deserve a lot better than a guy who only sees you as one of his many options. When you realize the guy you’re with is a player, do yourself a favor and move on. Because if you want something serious, you should never settle for someone who doesn’t want to settle down.